Reflection.

I hopped on the computer after we arrived back from the beach and Erin asked if I was blogging.  I said no, that I wasn't quite sure what to write yet.  Dinner passed and we sat around until my dad took the spot of Pastor Strom and sparked the end of the week, god-moment conversation.  We started with the newbies and heard their thoughts on the week.  Then it was our turn...it seemed as if the reoccurring theme of everyone's reflection was that none of us were quite sure how to feel as we leave Haiti once again.  Some were a little disappointed in terms of production or were not sure how to process the thoughts, feelings, emotions, etc. that are flowing through us at this point.  When it came around to Dave's turn, he made a great point, we are all just a piece of the fabric of time.  We will make our mark in these people's lives, as they will in ours, no matter how much or how little physical work we do while we're here.  And that made me think and I know it made my dad think because it was his turn next and he thanked Dave for reminding him how selfish we can be.  Here we are feeling sad or a little disappointed that we might not have gotten done what we expected when that is not what this trip is about in the first place.  This trip has been absolutely different than last year's trip.  As Jan just said (about 10 seconds ago), we have been more immersed into Haitian culture, into the every day lives of these people.  The trip has been a rollercoaster to say the least but the biggest thing that I am taking with me is that whatever feelings I may feel or everyone else in the crew may feel, good or bad, are a test.  God is testing us.  For us "oldies" who might be feeling a little indifferent about this week, I see it as God's way of shaking us back to our core.  He hit us with a lot of love and inspiration last year and we went away feeling great.  This year is not necessarily the same.  He hit us with a ton of adversity and chaos and the way we decide to react to what he is dishing up to us will tell all (at least in my opinion).  This realization has come as a surprise to me, just in the last 20 minutes when it popped into my head because religion and God things have not been my forte for the last 8-9 years.  Last year, however, flipped a switch in my head.  I wasn't quite sure what was going on, how to process the extremely strong emotions I was feeling and it wasn't until my dad wrote me a letter a few weeks after we came back that I realized what was happening.  He saw God working through me with the kids, with the guys I befriended, with the journey I was just beginning.  This year I have come to terms with that and have made some realizations of my own.  At this point God is working in the most mysterious ways but for some reason I feel peace in my heart because I know that eventually all of the pieces of the puzzle will fit together.